Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
