Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think my moral compass just broke
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
