I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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