You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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