you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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