I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
