i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
