Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
