Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
