That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
