so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
