Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
