When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
