Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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