I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
