I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
