I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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