its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
