Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
