I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
