You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
