Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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