my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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