the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
