You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
