At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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