my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They took my balls.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
