i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
