how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
