exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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