its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
