Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
