After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You were trust falling into bushes
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
