When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
