he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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