Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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