The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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