What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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