all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
