i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
