he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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