i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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