Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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