people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
