wakey wakey hands off snakey
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
