shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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