I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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