Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
