so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
