can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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