I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
